Friday, 20 January 2012

A Real Flight To Hell

Here's a review I done for a movie that when I saw it made me think 'This was actually made?', warning this reviews a big one.


When I saw this sitting in the store, I thought 'Hell 50 pence for movie, might as well spend my change!' but good lord do I regret it. I like B-movie horror flicks the cheesier and low budget the better, but this film looks as if it was made for $1000 and even that's being generous, most of that I assume was spent on ripping stock footage from the Alien films, The Matrix and other horror films as little looks to be it's own creation. Now before I start ripping into the actual movie it's self, let me tell you about the DVD case, the picture on the front is what I think is a real plane, and this is the only one you'll see, a decayed zombie like face, a mans face looking like it's being eaten by a barracuda or piranha, then in the bottom left corner a non-descript alien creature and a spurt on blood and whats worse is only one maybe two of these images are actually in the film, the decaying zombie and the barracuda aren't in the movie and the plane doesn't look the same. This is on a black and red background gradating into a green and white background with FLIGHT TO HELL in block capitols and in what I can only describe as a windows basic raised text coloured silver, you could do a better cover with splicing picture together in Windows Paint. It's a 15 rated, and trust me they could do this as a 12 rating, the back is your bog standard blurb with a picture of one of the actors, with a large eye, and I'll again talk about this later on it's the best effect! Now I should have looked at the features when I was in the store, but now looking at it all you get is Special Features: Scene Selection, now that's not a bloody feature, that's standard on all DVDs and is in only English, also under the blurb is 'This DVD can only be sold and distributed in the United Kingdom and EIRE' so I'm not even sure if it was released in the US and if not then you're lucky!

Now first thing I'll talk about in this abomination is the utterly blatant rip off in the intro credits, you have scenes taken straight from actions films for explosions, and other sci-fi films for monster and then you have snippets of the xenomorphs from the Alien films and thats not even the strangest thing I've seen in this, Cypher killing Dozer with the electric gun from the Matrix, this makes no sense and has no meaning to the film at all and these are all in a red/brown tinge due to it supposed to scene in our protagonists eyes. Then he awakes dripping in 'sweat' though looks more like he's has water flicked all over him. Then he's up and dressing for work, he's wearing a pilots outfit so he must be a pilot of the plane to fly us to hell! So he's driving off to work, against green screen Las Vegas, is it really cheaper to have bad green screen than to just go to Las Vegas and film? I don't know but you can tell a mile off it's just a car with a background pasted behind it in something like flash, it's that bad. When he arrives at the still shot of an airport his car crives through the terminal and a plane sort of slides up and away. We are then introduced to Roulette One and no this isn't a gambling robot, though god I wish it was. So we see the inside of this Photoshoped plane and wow, it's bad, I mean I've seen cardboard Doctor Who TARDIS scenery from the days of yore that look better than the inside of this plane. I'm sure you can see joins in the wall, the windows look like cardboard and clear plastic card and on one side I swear they just painted black windows on or something as the outside never changes. Also there are no air line chairs, so how this thing got green lighted by health and safety I'll never know and there is a rather silly looking roulette table I'll get to later on in this review. All this takes place with a god awful midi file music that sounds like a SNES games soundtrack if you ran it through a Yamaha Keyboard.

So we're inside the plane and we're shown some of the rest of the cast, and even this doesn't establish much to the plot or the sub plot. So we have the horny stewardess, the non-descript 'victim' stewardess, the millionaires and their token arm candy, the spunky co-pilot and 'brains' of the operation, after the establishing shot of them taking off we see more footage from the Alien films of face hugger eggs opening, then an explosion that sends out a green blast wave. We then cut to them starting the gambling at the roulette table, but this is a rigged wheel as the bad CGI roulette wheel and the two janitors plan the out come of the spins to take the millionaires for all they have, and so the cheating casino subplot is revealed. Also this is where we see how bad the acting is as the token horror movie bimbo has a laugh that sounds so forced I think she's crying, we get some awful looking computer screens again which look like they were generated in Flash, some 'flirting' between horny stewardess and the pilot, but the acting is so bad I think the have queue cards, though due to the bad lip sync I don't know for sure.

Then finally we get to the reason this will be the Flight to Hell when the control tower radios the plane but the co-pilots asleep while the pilots flirting with horny stewardess, because you know auto-pilot means no one needs to watch right? So we're told there is a 'strange signal on the radar', but before they show us track suited numnuts mechanic who is running the roulette tables cheating mechanism staring at horny stewardess' ass, they flirt for a minute, or insult each other but that seems like flirting to them and the film has it's first gratuitous sex scene, which is more like over the clothes humping but god help me if they aren't acting their socks off here. We cut back to the control tower and the 'strange signal' is now a 'strange object' though seeing the radar there is no object on it other than the plane so that raises all sorts of questions, but off course the co-pilots to busy sleeping to care and even turns the radio off onto music. Great piloting skills there. Then we get a cloudy scene that just looks like they mirrored the top to the bottom and put a green tinge in the center and the Roulette one is heading straight for it, the tension is built by the intense midi music! That lasts all of 5 seconds.

We see the plane flying through the green cloud and being hit with what looks like florescent green snot, the co-pilot starts to glow as if she was dipped in radioactive waste, I hoped this would turn her into a mutant but alas it was not to be. We cut back to handyman and stewardess' passionate sex as seen through a window as snot hits it and then we cut inside to behind the handyman and shazam the window is no more! He gets zapped in the leg from the microwave, wish seems to mildly distress him, we then see inside the main cabin where the roulette players as experience some turbulence and two are glowing green. Clearly it's a cloud gamma radiation cloud and they're going to go Hulk. Some bad lightning effects crack down and a 2D glass floats by.

Meanwhile in the cockpit the co-pilot is still asleep, I mean the planes jerking about like it's going to crash you can't feel that right when you're listening to music, but then the dumb bitch realises the planes in free fall and takes the headphones off and does her job. Oh and we see back in the cabin and one of the millionaires has turned into Raiden god of thunder with lighting between his hands. So the co-pilot jumps for the controls as the pilot bursts in, she seems to think 'Quick look busy' as the pilot runs in and is informed the auto-pilot is dead, forgetting the fact the control panel is glowing like it's fueled by depleted uranium. So we see them in a nose dive and the cockpit shaking, though they see rather secure on their chairs. Then the plane pulls up just before it crashes, or well sort of just evens out then heads up, but again it looks like it's been done in flash so it looks like paper cut outs on a photo of mountains, and I'm no geography expert, but are there any snow capped mountains in Nevada? We cut back to the cabin where all the guests are in a green pile looking like a Skrull gang bang with electrical crackles coming off them. And then every things OK as it was just a magnetic field or or an inside cloud, apart from the ominous blue goop oozing in through the ventilation ducts.

Then we see the guests recovering but even looking shocked is a test to their acting skills and our first hearing of millionaires bimbo number one as I'll call her and Amazing Changing Accent! She seems to go from Scottish, to Cockney, to Southern Belle and to fuck knows what else, and it's just weird. After one Millionaire retires to his cabin the other gets talked into gambling by the brains of the scamming operation and we are treated to bad graphic of the roulette wheel being taken down into a square hole in the table, if you look closely you'll see it clips through the table as it does then the top seems to rotate into a black jack table as if it's a conifer belt. We see the handy man and his long haired friend working on the electronics that got fried during the 'turbulence' and we're treated to a bad 3D dice hologram, I've seen better 3D graphics on Sonic 3D for the Megadrive. Cut back to the gambling and we get the cheesy computer voice telling us how much the bets are worth. Then there is a close up for the vent as more goo slowly runs out, we get a look in the cockpit and the pilot and co-pilot have picked up a radio transmission of a distress call and they think they should investigate, but long hair tells them to just ignore it.We see the horny stewardess get into a closet and press a 'button' but she says the lights aren't working, well they would be if they hadn't stuck a penny to the wall instead of a light switch.

She goes down into the planes luggage hold and sees a dog with a CGI castle caring case around it, she then proceeds to slip in some goo on the floor, though it looks more like she kneels in it and bangs her knee in it, this is to lead to a plot point later on, she looks at her knee and wipes the green goop off asking her self what is this crap, and at this point I'm asking myself that too. We cut to what looks like a radio in the plane being consumed by greeny blue slime but this is never explained why it's there or what it's doing. After that it's back to the gambling and we get a strange in the corner of the room camera angle and I don't know if this is a CCTV camera or what. Then it's back to the handy men who seem to control the out come of the dice, now how this is possible, how it works, again never explained we're just led to believe they can load the dice. The brains loses and they take a break where he stewardess takes them to their cabin, which is the exact same the previous millionaires went into I swear. The stewardess tells the amazing changing accent woman that if she's going to have sex to keep it down, and she seems confused and her accent is different yet again.

Back in the cabin the brains seems to make it out that he lost on purpose to make it not look like a scam, but this is my conjecture as he never says it, though he tells the stewardesses that once the bets reach a million he'll clear the millionaires out. The horny Stewardess takes a turn and falls over saying she bruised her knee, though it looks fine, till we get a close up where it suddenly starts to turn purple in front our very eyes! Amazing. She faints from the pain and we get the most un-concerned 'Oh my god.' from the other stewardess, who proclaims, "She's out cold" to which brains of the scamming plan says 'Help me get her to my cabin', I don't even want to think why. We cut to the ceiling which is glass with lights behind it and see what looks like plastic toy squid on a fishing line get drawn across with a chirping stock insect sound. To which our smart stewardess asks 'You hear that?' to which out scam artists replies, 'It's just the wind', yes, the wind sounds like space insects. And we get another close up of the goo in the ducts that's moved like an inch outwards.

We get a scene of horny lying on a bed getting pawed over by brains while scammy sits in the back and handy man comes in to see if she's OK, by the way as the characters names are rarely said I'm just going to go with descriptions of how they look and act to name them, handy man asks how she is and she informs him she always feels lousy when she doesn't get laid, which makes no sense as they had just had sex not five minutes earlier! Luckily scammy stops another un-needed sex scene saying they need to work and brains kicks handy man in the nuts. We're informed horny needs to pee like a race horse and we get a shot of the ceiling now with goop monster squirming up there.

Next we see the toilet cubical which is taller than the previous room and in fact the plane itself by the look for it, as the goop creature now slides down the back of he glass blocked wall to get horny, who must be doing her business with her panties up to strain that shit, she pull the bandage on her knee down, why it's bandaged for a bruise we're not told and sees her leg squirm with a hall of mirrors type of effect from photoshop and she screams at this, I don't blame her I would I mean holy shit it's that bad an effect. Handy man now fully recovered after the assault on his joy zone knocks and asks whats wrong, he knocks so hard the set it's self shakes, but it doesn't on the inside of the toilet stall, in fact the knocks sound different. Horny gets off the toilet and now the lids down, I don't know if it was up to start with but panties not pulled down and toilet seat left down is not proper bathroom procedure. She comes out and through the crack of the door we can see it's a different set in there. She tell Handy is was nothing and she's right there's nothing odd about a pulsating knee cap.

We cut to a scenic shot of the clouds then pan across the plane looking in the windows like a voyeur to see coffee machine in one window, in window number two a bad sex scene between millionaire and his babe, storage facility in window three, which makes no sense due to the room in window two, window four and five looks like an arcade, eight is storage and drink bit, nine is the other millionaire and babe having sex, window ten are actual airline seats, which haven't appeared yet in this plane, finally eleven is ominous glob drip. All this leads to the question how all this shit fits into what i think is a bowing seven four seven.

We get a view of the outside of this jet again before cutting to an extrema close up of the blue green space snot monster that has a bad case of zits now and is pulsating with bad effects and the sound of what I can only describe as head crab brain sucking. We see the control tower, who inform the pilot they have good news and bad news, do ground control ever do that? When the pilot asks for the bad news his mouth barely opens as he talks, he's told there's a strike some where, I couldn't make it out it was like they couldn't get the rights to say an airport so they just did a Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead 3 where he goes 'Clatu Barada... Nicphococough'. The good news is they have weather dead ahead, what type we're not allowed to know, but after strange alien slime cloud, I'm sure weather would be little bother to the Iceman.

Cut to the inside of the plane, or I think it's meant to be the plane but it looks like the bowels of a ship, where we see Warhammer static grass eating the pipes and circuit boards. Then back to gambling and it's black jack time, we pan across brains and they millionaires face, all looking smug with themselves, then suddenly we're in a green rippling POV shot of what I assume is the alien goo on the ground looking at the players as it slimes it's way over heading to the stewardess.

Meanwhile back at the cockpit the co-pilot, who's Finlay awake and working tells the pilot, 'Here comes weather!' which I'd never have guessed from the next shot looking out the window at what I assume to be rain, but it could be sleet, snow or hail of glass shards. She then tells the control tower they picked up a distress call and asks if there was any in the vicinity, but then the planes struck by lightning and she says 'Holy shit!' when bad electrical effects crackle over her bad effect circuit board and it takes out the radio. The control tower try to get hold of them, with one 'Roulette one come in' but seem to give up after that. Back in the hold the green slime starts to take the shape of an egg but this is cut short to head back to the gambling which is really the highlight of this drudgery.

Now a quick intermission, I know this review so far has been dragged out but let me tell you this is about a third of the way into the movie and still fuck all has happened, for a movie that's just under an hour an a half long they have a plot so weak I doubt it could stand on it's own, awful acting and terrible effects, so I'm going to start cutting out the bullshit and try to just focus on the actual plot, of which this has near none off. Also to let you all know this review is taking a lot out of me, I mean watching this movie again makes me want to hurt someone, my brain hurts from all this bad acting and CGI bullshit.

So anyway we go to the goo first person and I just hum the Jaws theme here as it looks around before biting the smart stewardess' ankle, then it's back to the cockpit where long haired handyman is trying to fix the cardboard wall's radio where he tells the co-pilot the radios dead, which I could have guessed as it's just a miscellaneous circuit board. So we see the smoking hole where this circuit board came from and the co-pilot tells long haired handy man that they're fucked without the radio. Off course they're fucked how's she going to listen to her music?! So they bicker as he can't seem to fix it, he can operate a high tech cheating system but a broken radio is beyond his scope, well the pilot comes over and basically tells them to stop arguing or he'll spank them.

Now in the hold we have the green goo turning into mold and a very fake embryo egg sack growing, that looks so fake it makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look good. We cut to a window shot of horny cleaning a cabin, but I don't think its been used to why I don't know and how this plane has so many I'm still yet to understand, is it the fucking TARDIS, is it bigger on the inside? Anyway back on track horny looks ill, must be the goo she knelt in, so she has a trippy POV shot but she looks at what was the establishing shot of the wall with the window and BANG the windows vanished. So she freaks out and he bandage bulges, she looks in a mirror and her face farts as her lips get big, small, then the mirror smashes and PEEK-A-BOO! Ugly alien all up in your face. She spazes and runs to the handy men that just think 'Dude lets get in her pants', then yet again backwards cap get hit in the nuts and they end up ignoring her.

Back to the eggs, more embryos growing and oh my god a red button is flashing in the cock pit, back at the handy men we see a screen flashing 'CIRCUIT MALFUCTION Contact manufacturer for maintenance' OK so they couldn't even spell check this, fuck it, at this point we get the best acting in the movie as the handy men argue over how screwed they are because no one can fix the landing gear, so long hair is off to do it manual. As he decends into the hld we get some first person green pulsing sight of the alien and the dogs gone. As long hair looks around it's being monitered by a head band mounted camrea, he slips in the zit slime, then we see the caroding alien static slime, yeah it carodes now. We find out this is why the land gear is fucked, and thats not all, the embrio eggs are multiplying, long hair guesses they're eggs and something around growing and living inside it, must be from the bad pulsing effect, the pilot thinks someone brought an animal onboard, offcourse some sort of giant ant thing that lays eggs that start off looking humanish then turn to lizard bug things when touched. Long hair leans in because nothing bad ever happens when you lean into an alien egg, when all of a sudden LIZARD IN THE NOSE!

They get long hair up into a cabin and he's lieing with a lizzard tail hanging otu his now enlarged nostril, no way that thing could fit up his nose but logic and this peice of shit don't mix. Horny asks for someone to tell her this is'nt happening, I wish it was'nt, as the crew stands looking over long hair, because again a pilot is'nt needed to fly. So the pilot runs off to get some gloves to pull it out with, yeah pulling an alien creature thats jumped up someone nose and might be boring into his brain is a great idea.

Then back to the hold for more alien green-pulse-o-vision, and a cut back to the gamblng cabin where we see a pulsing movement in the wall before panning to the gaming table across the cabin to the arcade thats now shuffled into the place of the millionares cabin hen into a new cabin because this is a magic plane. The pilot returns gloved up and ready for action, so he starts pulling on the lizard snot drop and the brainy stewardess says 'No no you'll pull his brains out' and I wish they did it would have looked terriable with their effects. The acting is so terriable and they speculate whats it doing and pilot says it's sucking the oxygen out his lung, yeah because it's in his brain. So they decide not to rush it wich is monumentaly stupid as it'll either kill him or bore into his head and take him over. So they decide to tell scamartists whats going on while he's in yet another room that just appered playing virtual chess, what this has to gambling I don't know. They call the red phone and tell the other stewardess that the radios dead, the landing gears fucked and theres a handy man with an alien lizard up his nose, and she just says 'Great, made my day, now get lost i'm busy!' either she does'nt care or does'nt believe them, but I don't fucking know. So we see the scam artist playing a really badly 'virtual reality chess' and the pilot calls the stewardess and tell her basicly what the handyman told her on the phone and she believes his and tells the scam artist, whos more concerened with his scams than the fact he could die. The greedy always are.

As the scam artist is told we see the long haired handymans forehead get bigger and pulse, thisd movie loves it's pulse effect, the scam artist asks whats wrong with the handy man, after just being told how dumb can you get. So he says send the other handyman down to kill the aliens, even though that won't work, but he tells the crew he has better things to do than worry about dieing as e has money to make. We get another POV green alien view, wich was ok the first time but this is'nt Predator, we're not seeing body heat just the world in green. Hey it's not easy being green. Then we cut to the millionare thats not playing chess playing solitare in his room as his amazing accent changing bimbo wants to jump his bones and all he cares about is his card. What a fucking moron. But he stops and goes for another random and badly done sex scene while you see alien bug siluettes in the mirrior, I think it's a mirrior and glass ceiling lights.

We see the pilot trying to call for help on his mobile phone, but getting no where. D'uh! Then back to the millionare who's suffering from premature ejaculation clearly. Like we needed to know.. Back at the cockpit the pilots been called back to look at the handymans nose bleed now the lizards vanish. I'm sure earlier they said the autopilot was broke so why he'd do that I have no idea. So the non-comatose handyman picks up a saw, ready to stab that fucking lizard, again stabbing with a saw, why? And the pilots going to bonk it with a golf club while the co-pilot takes the only sane weapon a fire axe.We see spider lizards jumping around as out heros hunt it down in the CGI plane. With music to imply suspence but the fact that the acting makes it look laughable whats the point?
The scam man is whooping the millionare at chess, because he's not bothered he may die.

Back at the hunt it's all systems go! As the lizard aliens are either Predator stealthed or under the walls and carpets. So more of the brave hunters looking for these little lizard majigs in the TARDIS One, I say this because I swear more rooms are appearing. We get more padding of the virtual chess, then cut to lizard thing attacking horny before getting stabbed by the saw wielding handy man, they show the impaled lizard to the scam artist who thinks he can sell it to a genetics lab, but I think Toys'R'Us would rather get their merchendise back. While handy man and scam artist argue over who gets the money for selling the bugger and the pilot chirps in with the sensiable throught of where the fuck these came from, jokingly the hndy man says space, before they ask why scam artists gets more of a cut when they sell it and it's revealed his father financied this magical flying casino. Finaly some plot. Scam artist tells handy man to go collest eggs, like he's a fucking Warcraft quest giver. But before he can go to hold they're informed the long haired handy man needs to be seen. Maybe his head has inflated or something.

We see he's ok and the lose diver has vanished, they tell the scam artists the landing gears fucked so he orders the handy man to also fix the landing gear while he's down there, I fucking hate guys that do that can't they just chain quest for fuck sake? Before leaving though we get a rather racial joke I feel when handy man says "Yes sir masta' ", or is it just me? Long hair asks for food because nose diving alien lizards really takes it out of you.

In the hold handy man calls out for the 'chickens' great idea alert the blody alien things you're on your way. We see more alien boogers and lots of hatched eggs, this will onyl end badly and it does. Out of no where a stop animation alien creature jumps fourth and bits handy mans head off, spurting CGI blood on the screen, we cut to the handy mans room where the pilot, co-pilot and stewardess' are watching the ending to Alien: Reserection I think, might be Alien 3 or Species for all I know. The pilot tells his co-pilot to go get the blow tourch because animals are scared of fire. A blow tourch on a plane, might as well get a nail gun on a blimp. When we see this 'blow tourch' it looks more like a flame throwers than a fucking blow tourch. We see long hair choking on his food as the crew runs in his eye explodes and the 'eye burster' scuttles off, I'll add the blood effects here are just CGI and they put a black hole for a socket over his eyes, that does'nt keep up as his head hits the table. How much does fake blood cost in the US? As surely it's cheaper than using shitty CGI and if it's more expensive surely it's better to have good looking blood than awful red sploges of CGI. The pilot phones the control tower to tell him they're being invaded, wich does no good.

Suddenly the co-pilots turned into Ripley from Alien, wandering around with her flamethrower and we're subjected to yet another hunt scene, as the crew follows the trail of slime to find, the dog that vanished in the hold. So back to scam artist and virtual golf, he's with a stewardess and I'm sure there were only two but ones with the pilot and the other spazing out so we're introduced to third mystery stewardess I think anyway. Fuck it, this movies just starting to make me want to crucify someone. We see wannabe Ripley again stacking the hold with her flamethrower and then we cut to a xenomorph on the ceiling in the Giger esque background, THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! The aliens so far have'nt converted this ship into a hive, so why he fuck do we get random footage of the Alien xenomorph hive setting and how would she not notice that suddenly the holds turning into a Giger print, I'd fucking notice that I tell you. Then we cut back to her and low and behold no Alien looking scenery anywhere, what the fuck? Really this is just starting to grasp at straws I think, the producer/director could not have been doing this seriously, I mean Ed Wood jr. made better movies. So we see the red gambling cabin that now has fake grass on the floor for a gold course, and I'm left thinking what the fuck again. Cut back to the co-pilot and her flamethrower and we get more xenomorph scenes, this time it's ment to be looking at her, I don't know but in that hold if the place was turning int a hive and a fucking Alien was staring at me me I'd see it, fuck I'd sense something was wrong fromt he fact the room was going biological on me but no it just splices in these Alien scenes for no reason and they we get a close up of the shitty stop animation original alien jaw, I'd rather see the xenomorph!

The co-pilot falls into the now golf course cabin spitting up what looks like semen.. Ewww, she spits, thats suc a turn off. The millionare asks whats wrong with her before saying the whole things a scam, to wich I wish the scam artist turned around and said 'Curses! Foiled again.' but no such luck. So as the pilot who ran into look after the co-pilot comes in he reaches into her mouth and yanks out alien bug thing and tried to drive that mother fucker with a putter. This has little effect as it jumps from person to person before going through a wall, explaining now that they can move through walls and into them as well. He chases it into the gambling room and smites that fucker on the black jack table! Wait a second, theres two red gambling rooms and ones a fucking mini golf course? How many rooms are on this thing?! He cuts the lizards head of with the golf club but it grows back, wich is a shame they could have used the bad lightning effect and have him yell 'THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!' and go Highlander quickening, would have made about as much sense as everything else. The little blighter ops around getting swung at before it does the fucking funniest thing ever, jump up into horny stewardess vagin and makes her body go all pulsy effect. Atleast theres some comedy in this thats not the acting, plot or effects. She then spits it out and it squeezes under a door, seeming to have lost the ablity to go through objects. She faints, badly, hammy acting at it's finest even Shatner could'nt do it this well. We see multiple lizard things eating away the the eltricals, to take out the power, crafty bastards. The millionare is'nt best pleased at whats going on and declairs this is a nightmare. Maybe not for him but I'm certianly going to have bad dreams after this suckfest. He storms into is cabin, not a good idea.

We find out horny died, I guess having an alien jump into your vagina and claw it's way through you till you spit it out is lethal. The pilot infroms the scam artist that it'll take fourty minutes to get back to Vegas, while over snow capped mountians that look more in place in the Himalias. We see that the millionare who vanished earlier to his room got killed and his girlfriend, only six more to go. We pan to the millonare that stormed off putting his money away before cutting to a computer screen in the cock pit that seems to tell use that there is an eighty nine percent chance one or more of the team have been infected and that if the alien reachs civilization it will take 27 hours for the entire world to be infected. Firstly, why do they have a computer that can work out these probablities and secondly unless this spreads faster than the plague hows it going to jump contients that fast? The captian makes a message for his black box, tellign everyone whats gone on and I swear he makes it sound more dangarous than it is in his bland monotones, though I get a feeling of the The Thing when he says 'No one trusts anyone at this point' mother fucker you're not in a good movie.

So the Amazing Accent Changer survived and now has moved to southern belle, because well who the fuck knows why. Her millionare lover sees the alien and we get a glimps of it in his eye beofre we see a xenomorph then a tail strike to the head that cut a clean whole in his forehead, seriously his brain would callapse on it's self, or spurt out the back you could'nt make a whole that clean if you tried. Also yet more CGI blood because computer graphics are cool! He's proclaimed dead, no shit Quincey, as he has a redish black blob on his head. I'd like to know how an alien fitted between deska nd what I guess is the wall. The pilot comes up with an idea of rounding the aliens into the hold then opening the opening a loading hatch and sucking them out. Again more questions, this is a charter jet do they have large loading doors in the back like a fraighter plane? All scam artists seems to be worried about is the loss of his equipment and keeping the creature alive to sell it to a scientists, for science! So he goes off to find the creature before it's to late. He starts cutting wires and the pilot gets pissed asthis does, I don't know what and he pulls a fucking gun out the back of his seat, ok so why not use this earlier to kill the fucking alien monster?! IT MAKES NO SENSE! So theres a stand off as the scam man appears with dynamite, again where was this being stored? He tells the pilot to shoot him and not miss or he'll blow them all up by lighting the dynamite, first off he's close enough for a headshot just cap his ass and secondly why say that? It's just sking for trouble.

They work out the creatures can't go through magnatised walls, why he planes magnatised I don't know is it necesary for a plane to be magnatised? So they decide to board up the ducts with wood, because that'll stop 'em from going through. Mean while scam artist is strapping on a parachute that looks more like a hiking ruck sack and he cuts the chords to the rest. As the rest of the crew try to secure the plane the co-pilot now at the cockpit tells them that they don't have long before they crash due to a fuel leack wich causes the non-dead stewardess to break down into tears. We see the scam artist trying to escape before before getting clawed in the head by stop animation alien and he fatalitys him with electricity making him spaz out. The pilot find the co-pilot dead, off screen deaths, gotta love 'em. The pilot goes into a cabin and finds the scam artist parachuted up and tells him they have to jump out but whats this? Alive after getting head clawed? Nope he's turning, half his face has gone black and he's grown a mantis arm.We're subjected to an awful fight before pilot shoots him twelve times at point blank range leaveing four holes and saying 'Game over' in such an uncheesy way it makes my piss boil. The accent changing lady gets attacked but the pilot jumps in to save the day, firing eighteen rounds and not reloading, wich I doubt he done before so clearly it's a magic handgun. This does little more than piss the alien off as he tongue chokes the accent bitch, finaly and turns his attention to the last remaining cast members, go alien go!


So they leg it to get a parachute, but notice all but scam artists have been cut so they go to loot his corpse, they make a run with the chute and see a siloutte of the alien that looks like someone just waving fake arms.Bullets have done fuck all good so far but they decide shooting it between the eyes will help, but he's out of ammo and the alien was he accent changer who seems to have survivied, damn it. no wait shes infected and trying to kill them but an axe to the head soon ends that shit. Jumping the pilot and stewardess hold on to one another and parachute down in a rather steady way, not flailing all over the place as you'd expect. We see the plane nose dive and explode, seem to hit some sort of damn or something and then we cut to a long angle where we see a firey trail that I think is actually taken from Krull when they ride the horses that leave a firey trail, though I may be wrong.

Then we cut back to Las Vegas and the pilots home where he and the stewardess are in morning after mode, how they got there we don't find out. They go to kiss and then suprise she's an alien! And kills him. BUT THEN! And this really makes me want to go postal the movie comits a fucking sin greater than being made, the pilot wakes up and we find out all this bullshit and the entire Flight to Hell was a bad fucking dream, my fucking god do I hate copout ending like this. He screams and says 'I'm late for work, nah not today' and goes back to sleep, I'm sorry but what? WHAT? WHAT?! Seriously all this is ment to be a fucking dream, when a movie does something that blood awful for an ending I want to kill some. I mean come on atleast let the alien win.

Anyway thats my review on Flight to Hell, the cheapest B-movie made in two thousand with the worst fucking acting, a plot that makes no sense and blatent fucking theft of better movies, if you see this in a video store or in a bargin bin or anywhere don't buy it, avoid it like the fucking plauge and if you do decide to buy it fucking burn it. It's a bloody abomination and you'll feel like you lost half your IQ for watching it and time of your life you'll never get back.

No comments:

Post a Comment